It has taken me 38-plus years to fully understand how my spirit operates.
I always pay attention. I am so detailed-oriented that I can drive myself crazy. I love the details of a modern home that still feels cozy; the subtle nuances of my partner as he moves; the distinct facial expressions my son makes when he becomes intensely focused on working hard at playing. I feel safer that way, in the details, more centered in the full experience.
I fall in love with the details.
And I don’t do well with endings; not with friends or lovers, not with jobs, nor passing of pets. Letting go gracefully is not really one of my greatest assets. I go over and over the details in my mind, wondering if there is something I could have done differently. I feel slightly envious of friends who see choices, make a decision, move forward, and hardly look back. They glaze over the nitty-gritty details, have the capacity to judge the only the big picture, the full body of work as a sum from which they propel themselves forward.
That is not me. I process and I engulf myself in the details.
I have almost a sixth sense; intuition powerful beyond imagination that informs me of important details few may even notice. I can feel instantaneously if you and I will be old friends one day or strangers parting ways after a handshake. I feel a pull towards you or the profound urge to step back. The details of my heart beat or a clear gut reaction always steering me in the right direction.
Not once have the operators of my spirit betrayed me, but I have most certainly betrayed them.
Lacking trust in myself and what I was feeling, making choices that seemed right instead of felt right. The correct choice always feels right, without exception. The answers are most certainly in the details. And at times, this is not always what our intellect tells us we should do. Our thoughts are masterful game-players, filtering the truth and coloring in the details into shades of our liking.
Our deep sense of knowing plays into none of that.
As I approach yoga postures that scare me a little, I pause and sit with the subtle details, examining and feeling the push and the pull of the pose that ultimately creates Sukha, balance and ease in the posture.
And I bring this experience off the mat. Examining life’s true balance: the light and the dark, the ebb and the flow, meditating on the details of my daily experiences that will create the whole of my life and an ease of being. For the operators of my spirit are masterfully crafting the perfect balance for me off the mat; patiently watching, presenting me with life’s artfully designed details, nudging me on gently and holding me every step of the way.